Another morning

donnella
Joined: 26 Dec 2010, 18:04

11 Jan 2011, 14:20 #1

Been having issues with the PTSD and anxiety latley. Go to bed fine, sleep so so. Then the damn nightmares start. Always the same or similar, always around 5:00 in the morning. I may have them all night and just don't remember. Always, I am in the past trying to escape. I take Lexapro and I take Xanex as needed. the doctor tried the drugs given to Viet Nam Vets, too zombie for me.
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ChuLai66
Joined: 26 Dec 2010, 16:52

11 Jan 2011, 14:40 #2

thats strange as mine are very close to the same. many years after Nam they were me leading men out of harms way ...lots of different scenarios. Now there the same but have morphed into present day end of the world scenarios....total chaos and collapse of society. Same dream different locations.
                    USMC
              DEC 63 APR 73
    -------o00o---°(_)°---o00o------
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Guest

11 Jan 2011, 16:13 #3

What they called me,, sound like moody blues song,,,but had me taking Trazedone or trazezombie or something for sleep and man,,,I would rather not sleep,,, If we all just came with an on and off switch on our minds,,would be fine,,,Wife says I hide it well but she knows when Im depressed and anxious,,,and she knows when I been sleeping,,,lol....
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donnella
Joined: 26 Dec 2010, 18:04

11 Jan 2011, 16:34 #4

I have never brought it up much. My family knows. alot of people think PTSD is confined to Veterans returning home from war and would look at my diagnosis as "yeah right". Never have figured out why after being very happily married for 10 years, it would start up out of the blue 2 years ago. I went to my family doctor after going to the hospital ER (thought I was having a heart attack in 2008) after visiting with me, he sent me staright to a group of Phychiatrist and phycologist, one for meds, one for counseling. Applied and was awarded SSDI in 2008, mulitiple doctor's frim diagnosis of PTSD, panic disorder and anxiety. The reason I feel I fit in here is the cause of the PTSD is Viet Nam related. Grew up in a Ozzie and Harriet home, sheltered and naive. Married at 19 to a 21 year old Marine just home from Viet Nam with three purple hearts. I only knew him 5 months when I married him. I didn't understand the rage, mood swings, anger...Too young. But it quickly grew to abusive, mental put downs, alcholholism, infidelity. I stayed in that marriage 16 years, thought that was what you were supposed to do, no one in my family ever got a divorce. I was good at hiding it from my family and friends as all battered women get to be. Never understood why after the divorce, I gravitated to the same type of man. Guess it was my normal. I will add later.
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donnella
Joined: 26 Dec 2010, 18:04

11 Jan 2011, 17:36 #5

Raising two daughters in this environment led to both of them having anxiety issues as well. They are both over-achievers and are pretty defensive. I think too many put downs and mental abuse as children. When I was in the last relationship, if you could call it that. I became sloppy in hiding the bruises and my physical appearance was too much a give-away to my family. That is when my brother came and did what is I guess an intervention. Basically came, with the police packed me up and took me out of state to stay with my sister. I had two broken ribs then and did not resist. Funny, but when I felt better, my inclination was to return. My recovery was baby steps. I had so much lost esteem that I had to re-gain that, even before I could look for a job and start a new life. When, I met my now current husband, we became friends. He worked with my brother and knew my background. He took it very slow and gingerly. Stayed friends for along time before it slowly developed into more. I could not ask for a better man. He truly is my best friend. I found it all so puzzleing, that all this would start up after being happlily married for 8 years. I am comfortable with my family only and told my doctor I would not want to change. I did come close to not wanting to leave my house and hiding the nightmares from my husband. I think I got to the doctor in time to at least oversome those issues. But I still am very uncomfortable around people, I don't like to be contacted by a old school mate and asked to do more than just visit on FB. How did I find my husband that is also a Viet Nam Veteran? BY the Grace of God. I can be very social on the internet, that is why I once made the comment that people with PTSD often find talking to people on the internet is much more comfortable than in real life. I also get very angry when the "stigma"rears it's ugly head and  mental illness is not taken as seriously as a physical illness. Viet Nam? The men that were affected came home and many family members were touched by the collateral damage.  Thanks for listening            Donna
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ChuLai66
Joined: 26 Dec 2010, 16:52

11 Jan 2011, 19:25 #6

Welcome home, i could go on but i think those two words says alot.
                    USMC
              DEC 63 APR 73
    -------o00o---°(_)°---o00o------
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JS6768
Joined: 04 Jan 2011, 23:16

11 Jan 2011, 21:15 #7

quoth the raven wrote: What they called me,, sound like moody blues song,,,but had me taking Trazedone or trazezombie or something for sleep and man,,,I would rather not sleep,,, If we all just came with an on and off switch on our minds,,would be fine,,,Wife says I hide it well but she knows when Im depressed and anxious,,,and she knows when I been sleeping,,,lol....
     Yea my primary care has me on trazodone right now. I still wake up in the middle of the night. The problem is when I wake up I do feel like a zombie. The bad dreams at night are one thing but I seem to see things more and more now while I am awake.  A VA appointment will trigger repeated sights. I always had these I guess what are called flashbacks but they seem to come so much more often now. I always figured they were a part of a natural progression because of what we went through. I never in a million years would have believed they would have pushed me to the brink of calling it quits. I had an episode so strong in Aug that I woke up on the ground. I am scared if I share it They will take away my drivers license. I have been treated for nerves and stress problems my whole life and never realized what was going on until a couple of months ago. Told my social worker I would like to give some of my thoughts to someone else and let them deal with it for a while. Doesn't matter at my age I am on the down side anyway. It just pi$$e$ me off the a VA doc did not pick up on my complaints of nerves and stress issues 30 years ago. Might have saved my three wives and my children a lot of heart ache. My current wife calls me hateful. She is probably right.
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Guest

12 Jan 2011, 00:10 #8

That crap will make ya suicidal man,,dump it,,,what I did,,,then couldnt get the VA to turn off the prescription,,kept coming like Junk Mail...But eventually did stop... "Hateful" sounds familiar,,amongst a few other choice words,,,But hang in there,,,and dump that damn Traz...get some over the counter junk...
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JS6768
Joined: 04 Jan 2011, 23:16

12 Jan 2011, 00:55 #9

donnella wrote:
Raising two daughters in this environment led to both of them having anxiety issues as well. They are both over-achievers and are pretty defensive. I think too many put downs and mental abuse as children. When I was in the last relationship, if you could call it that. I became sloppy in hiding the bruises and my physical appearance was too much a give-away to my family. That is when my brother came and did what is I guess an intervention. Basically came, with the police packed me up and took me out of state to stay with my sister. I had two broken ribs then and did not resist. Funny, but when I felt better, my inclination was to return. My recovery was baby steps. I had so much lost esteem that I had to re-gain that, even before I could look for a job and start a new life. When, I met my now current husband, we became friends. He worked with my brother and knew my background. He took it very slow and gingerly. Stayed friends for along time before it slowly developed into more. I could not ask for a better man. He truly is my best friend. I found it all so puzzleing, that all this would start up after being happlily married for 8 years. I am comfortable with my family only and told my doctor I would not want to change. I did come close to not wanting to leave my house and hiding the nightmares from my husband. I think I got to the doctor in time to at least oversome those issues. But I still am very uncomfortable around people, I don't like to be contacted by a old school mate and asked to do more than just visit on FB. How did I find my husband that is also a Viet Nam Veteran? BY the Grace of God. I can be very social on the internet, that is why I once made the comment that people with PTSD often find talking to people on the internet is much more comfortable than in real life. I also get very angry when the "stigma"rears it's ugly head and  mental illness is not taken as seriously as a physical illness. Viet Nam? The men that were affected came home and many family members were touched by the collateral damage.  Thanks for listening            Donna
      I was on the other side of that coin. I never ever laid a hand on my wife but I was cold and withdrawn. I drank and would bury myself in projects and was driven to succeed. I raised and discipline my children like Marines. My wife became more and more withdrawn as she got more and more depressed and would sleep half the day and took a evening job to get away. She left.We split 25 years ago and I blamed her. It was only in the last couple of months am I beginning to realize I drove her away and she left to keep her sanity. My second wife only lasted  one year. I threw her out over a argument between two of the kids and she laid it in my lap. Straw that broke the camels back so to speak. I have told the current wife to pack many times but she rides it out. She is tough and it is a good thing. I spend most of my home time locked in my room. I have watched some movies so many times I can tell you what the next line is. If I do go on vacation with my family it is like a seek and destroy mission. I have to plan everything right down to the minute and if anyone breaks the time line I get angry. The only people I seem to have patients around and can take a lot from is children. The can carry on to a point where it would drive most nuts and I ignore it. Go figure.I don't want to and don't try to hurt anyone. I just want to be left alone. I do best in my own little world. Some day I will sort it all out.
  
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donnella
Joined: 26 Dec 2010, 18:04

12 Jan 2011, 02:48 #10

I do great with my family,its the rest of the world that I'd rather avoid. I am pretty strong and I like to accomplish things. It's the dreams of the past that wear me down sometimes. I just wish the meds worked better. I hope you come out of your room and enjoy life soon after all this VA stuff is over. The stress of all this has got to affect these people. I think PTSD is so misunderstood and I do get upset when people ask "are you ok?" or what's the matter with you? I went through alot of that when I was working. I lost my ability to focus and during a panic attack, could not do my job and the added pressure of trying to hide it was too distressing. My former husband has never remarried and now has alchohol related pancreatitis. VA doctors have already told him if he doesn't quit, his life expectancy is not long. My husband now is so laid back and likes to do alot of outdoor things. When this is over, we plan to spend alot of time at the lake. Both of us relax there. There is a community of people at the park that are our age and like to get together for cook-outs and just visit. Last summer, I did very well in that environment and felt comfortable there. Wishing you the best and a life free of all this. I think the answer is to learn to cope and do the best you can, and not worry about what other's think. There is no way they could know what you have been through.    Donna
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